mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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