there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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