u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
How external is "for external use only"?
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
And then my night got REAL pukey
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
