Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
