I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
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