my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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