Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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