Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
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