So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
