I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize
