He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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