My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
