you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
