I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
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