you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
