We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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