ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
