the condom got lost in my hair
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Randomize
