I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
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