He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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