last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
