There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
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