Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
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