i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
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