I don't usually arrange sex via text message
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
