Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Randomize
