I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
