The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
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