somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
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