drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
