The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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