A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
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