I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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