im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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