I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Randomize
