so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
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She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
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Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.