Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
She even gives head with a lisp.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.