i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Randomize
