not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
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Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
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Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?