Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?