I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?