Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
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Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
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I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you