it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
