I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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