Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
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I have no recollection of sleep choking you
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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