I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
