I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Im just a social blackout drinker.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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