I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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