I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize
