You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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