On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
