6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
