She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
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