I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
