Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
