Already got asked if we're dating
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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