The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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