I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
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