Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
