I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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