im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Randomize
