I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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