I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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